Discard

Ah, the discard phase. How many times did Asshole discard me, and then convince me to take him back?

I can remember there being phone conversations where he would be so mad, and I would ask if he was breaking up with me, and he always said no, that is done in person, even if we have to meet at a McDonald's. For some reason he liked the idea of publicly breaking up with me at one. I don't know what happened to him in a past life at McDonald's but he sure hated the place.

Ironically, Asshole usually discarded me over text message. Rarely in a phone conversation. He did it once over the Match.com email. Again when I tried setting up an appointment at his bank for the mortgage we were going to get. Another time over something with my kids. Each time I went camping during the time I knew him. I could go on and on.

I remember once, being so completely stunned. It was surreal, it must have been the first time it happened. I didn't know if I was coming or going. I texted a friend, who simply asked "how do you feel about it?" Well, my head was spinning and I didn't know how I felt. I spent the next few hours in a daze, completely unsure of what to do. I didn't beg him to take me back, I didn't message him at all. I was mentally starting to think that this was a great thing. I was free. The red flags were piling up.

Then, that night he messaged, as if nothing had happened. WTF I remember thinking. So I asked him about it. He did his usual gaslighting thing where he said that I misunderstood him, and that he didn't actually say that we were done. The mental backflips would start where I tried to see things from his perspective, and apparently I believed him, because we would repeat the discard many more times.

The final discard was my choice, not his. When you take the decision away from them, it tends to stick a little better. I had support this time, and friends who I finally told the truth to. I was going to avoid step four at all costs.