Asshole's Fetish

 **Trigger warning - This post is about a fetish, and how Asshole engaged me in his fetish without consent (aka sexual assault)**

From early on, when getting to know each other, the topic of sex came up. Finding out likes, dislikes, what is ok, not ok, pretty standard stuff, so that there would be no surprises, and that both parties would be on the same page and therefore both would be consenting adults. Asshole was adamant that he wasn't into anything kinky or have any fetishes. (Not that there is anything wrong with that, I just wanted to know in advance.) Or so I thought.

One thing that I made clear was that I did not want to get pregnant, and was on birth control. I also made it clear that condoms would be required, and if we decided to continue in a monogamous that proof of negative STI tests would be required to forgo condoms. All of this was agreed to. Asshole made it clear that he did not want (or have) children in the beginning, as "One Eric Osborne was enough for this world." He didn't feel the need to reproduce. In getting to know each other, he referred to himself as a breeder. I remember saying WHAT? He explained that as an organ student at Trinity in Toronto, most other students were gay, and the ones that were straight were called breeders. It made me laugh.

After a period of time, the required STI tests were shown to each other, and our relationship continued. Soon though, Asshole was pressuring me to have children with him, and then he disclosed that he in fact did have 3 other children. (That's a topic for another post.) I stuck to my decision not to have more children at this time, and said that there may be a time in the future, if we were married that I would consider it.

The pressure to have children continued. I began to suspect that he would go so far as to tamper with my birth control, he was that insistent on children RIGHT NOW. Around this time, I started to notice that the morning coffee that he woke me up to (and didn't drink himself) tasted funny. I could never figure out what it was, but I always thought back to an episode of Oprah or something where a woman talked about her husband poisoning her with rat poison very slowly over time. I would discreetly start pouring out my coffee and making a fresh one. Thank goodness I was drinking instant coffee back then, so there wasn't a whole pot to get rid of and try to make fresh. He would have noticed that. He assumed that I had just drank the first cup. He was probably pretty smug about it. He bragged to everyone how he made me coffee.

As time slowly continued, my health would begin to fail. At first I didn't know what was wrong, just that something was wrong. I would make many trips to my doctor trying to get answers, and he would change my medication and say be patient. It was impossible to be patient. My health issues were related to my reproductive organs and having a man say, be patient was frustrating. He didn't have a uterus trying to kill him. When these issues first started, Asshole tried to convince me that I was pregnant. Which was impossible, between the birth control, and the fact that I was on my period for 10 days. He was so adamant, that I began feeling sick, just like I did when I was for real pregnant. The mind is a powerful thing, and if you have someone chirping in your ear that something is happening, you start to believe and feel it, despite knowing it is impossible. After a pregnancy test proved that Asshole was incorrect, I continued to advocate for my health.

At this point, Asshole was convinced that my birth control was the problem and that I needed to stop taking it. I was half expecting my doctor to say the same, and I told Asshole that if I had to stop birth control, that we needed to use condoms. I COULD NOT GET PREGNANT with everything going on. By now, I have had my period for 24 out of 31 days, and was physically weak. The body cannot sustain that much blood loss. Plus, I was in the period of time, where I was making plans to get Asshole out of my life, but trying to figure out how to do it safely. So, the relationship was over, but I was just playing along, for my safety and the safety of my children. This meant, that I was still meeting his demanding sex schedule, despite the bleeding, and despite not wanting to. I said no once, and the consequences... Well, I couldn't deal with on top of my health at that point. It was easier to fake being interested. He didn't last long...

After one such event, I was lying in bed, with a towel under me, due to the bleeding, and he again pleads with me to have a baby. I tell him, that my body needs to heal, it can't sustain a baby, it can barely sustain me. I am pretty certain that by this time, I had my diagnosis, and a referral to a surgeon, and a date for a blood transfusion. This was serious, and he could only talk about a baby. Like, how was I to get pregnant, and then have surgery on my uterus??? No baby would survive that! I wouldn't even consider it. He was mad, and spent the rest of the weekend drunk, and having inappropriate conversations with my daughter every time I took a nap.

On July 3rd, I safely executed my plan that I had worked on for 2 weeks. Once I got home, I began the task of gathering all of his shit that he left behind, as he didn't know he was leaving my house for the last time. In packing his suitcase, I saw the bag of condoms that he had brought in case I stopped taking birth control. EVERY SINGLE CONDOM HAD HOLES POKED IN THEM. I was shocked. I remember holding the bag, shaking. They had all been tampered with. I wouldn't have checked them before he put it on. He was counting on that. Now I was thinking back to the previous times at the beginning. Were those condoms tampered with? I would never know. I have my doubts now that we had sex under the terms that I consented to. 

Over the past couple of years, I have since learned about a special fetish...its called a breeding fetish. It is where a partner gets aroused by engaging in risky activities that can lead to pregnancy. Hence the condoms with holes poked in them, and the constant pressure to have a baby. Men with this fetish can become so obsessed with insemination that the method doesn't matter... Like my strange tasting coffee. 

I found the most interesting article... reader beware, it describes Asshole perfectly, so it is a very triggering article. Why Some Men are Obsessed With Inseminating as Many Women as Possible

I think that the worst thing, as a victim in this situation, is knowing that there is no chance for justice on this topic. I can't prove that he poked holes in the condoms in those early days, I can't prove that his semen was in my coffee, and while I had the bag of condoms with me in the police station on July 3rd, the police officers that I was giving a statement to about other things, treated me so poorly that I was too afraid to continue my statement and show them the condoms. 

As a result of my time with Asshole, I will never trust a man to provide condoms. I will always buy them myself, and ensure that they are not tampered with. I remember reading in magazines that if a man doesn't provide the condoms, that he isn't worth it, now I believe that if a man insists on providing the condoms, that he is going to tamper with them.